Coping with Conflict

September 4, 2011 / Twelfth Sunday After Pentecost

Matthew 18:15-20 / Romans 13:8-14

Conflict is inevitable. Conflict is inevitable in a marriage, in the workplace, between children and their parents, among friends, and even in the church.  Conflict is inevitable because people are different from one another.  Some are tall, others are short.  Some like dogs, others prefer cats.  Some like to work outside, others prefer desk jobs.  Some stick to vanilla ice cream, others want mint chocolate chip cookie dough.  Some think Carolina blue is the best, others prefer Duke blue.  We are all different from one another, which is a gift.  It makes life interesting.  It helps the world go around. It also means conflict is inevitable.

And conflict is inevitable in the church.  This summer on my way to the beach I was driving along a two-lane highway in the middle of miles of tobacco fields when I came upon three churches.  Two of the churches were less than ten feet apart.  One boldly proclaimed they were Southern Baptist and the other sign announced that they were Primitive Baptist.  And immediately across the street the newest of the three churches was called the Truth Faith Gospel Church.  Right there in the middle of nowhere these three churches told a story of conflict.  Who knows what the conflict was, but it clearly led to a division.  Three churches, right next to each other, told a story of people who are probably neighbors but they are unable to worship together because of a serious and unresolvable conflict.

I wish I could point to this example and say that this is unusual – but the history of the church is a history of conflict and division.  The first major division occurred when the East split from the West, forming what we know today as the Eastern Orthodox Church and the Catholic Church.  Not too long after that, Luther posted his 95 Theses, leading to the split between the Catholics and the Protestants.  And the church has been splintering ever since. 

John Wesley, the father of Methodism, was a priest in the Church of England.  He had no intention of splitting off from the Church of England, but in 1784 at the Christmas Conference the Methodist Episcopal Church was born in the United States.  By the 1820’s the Methodist Episcopal Church began to splinter as the AME and AME Zion churches were formed – AME stands for African Methodist Episcopal.  The Methodist Protestants split off shortly after that.  Then in the 1840’s the Methodist Episcopal Church split into the ME South and the ME North, and the CME – Colored Methodist Episcopal – church was formed.  And then, around the turn of the century, the Pentecostal and Nazarene churches were formed.  All of these splits occurred because of some form of conflict. 

It has only been in the 20^th century that some of these different Methodists have reunited.  In 1939, the ME South and ME North joined with the Methodist Protestants to form the Methodist Church, and in 1968 the Methodist Church joined with the United Brethren to form the United Methodist Church.  Today, difficult but fruitful conversations with various denominations and even with the Catholic Church hold out hope for further reconciliation.

Yet, for two thousand years the church has experienced conflict. And for two thousand years, I believe God has wept.  Christ reconciled us to God on the cross, and yet we, the body of Christ, continue to struggle to be reconciled to one another.  We squabble and bicker and fight – sometimes over ridiculous things and sometimes over truly serious sin.  Sometimes our conflict leads to reconciliation, but it seems that more often than not it leads to even more brokenness within the body of Christ.  We’re not good at dealing with conflict.

For two thousand years we’ve read and wrestled with this scripture in Matthew’s gospel, recognizing that it provides guidance for dealing with conflict in the church.  The instructions are straight-forward: If a church member – a brother or a sister in Christ – sins against you, go and point out the fault.  If that brother or sister doesn’t listen to you then bring some witnesses and try again.  If they still don’t listen, tell the church.  And if they still don’t listen then throw them out.  It seems simple enough.  The problem is, often our approach to following these steps is fundamentally flawed. 

At the beginning of chapter 18 of Matthew, the disciples ask: “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”  The disciples are still wondering who is the strongest, who has the most power.  They seem to have forgotten “blessed are the meek”.  They don’t understand why Jesus eats with sinners and tax collectors.  Jesus answers by talking about being humble like a child.  He talks about hospitality and welcoming children.  Jesus tells the parable of the lost sheep and the shepherd who leaves the 99 to go in search of the one.  Jesus tells his disciples that our heavenly Father does not want anyone to be lost. 

The disciples are asking the wrong question by wondering about greatness.  The question is: How do we welcome everyone into the kingdom?  This is hard when we are all different.  But one way to be more welcoming is to rethink what we do when conflict happens. Christians are encouraged to confront conflict with honesty and humility.  We are asked to extend love and grace and forgiveness, in the hopes that the one who has gone astray might be regained, and restored to a right relationship with the body of Christ.  Christ’s goal is unity, not division.

Too often, when someone has sinned and conflict arises, our inclination is to take sides. We tend to worry about our own lives and our own families and our own salvation, and push away those who are – in our opinion – in the wrong.  Too often we forget that when conflict arises among our Christian brothers and sisters the goal is reconciliation.  Each part of the body is important for the proper functioning of the body of Christ – each person matters in God’s eyes.  And God does not want a single one to be lost.  If we confront a sinner and that person listens, then we have regained that one and the body is stronger.  We can rejoice just as our Father is rejoicing in heaven. 

But the way we confront that sinner matters.  If we confront a sinner with a holier-than-thou attitude then we have missed the opportunity to approach the sinner as a fellow sinner in need of God’s grace.  We have missed the opportunity to speak the truth in love.  We have missed the opportunity to extend grace and forgiveness and invite the person to repent.  And then we will have missed the opportunity to welcome the lost sheep back into the fold. 

But hear this clearly.  This does not mean we simply fail to confront the sinner or that we forgive the sinner without repentance.  If someone in the church becomes a stumbling block for others – well, Jesus said it in verse 7: “Woe to the world because of stumbling blocks!”  If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away; it is better for you to enter life maimed or lame than to have two hands or two feet and to be thrown into the eternal fire (18:8).   The sinner must be confronted, otherwise the whole body will suffer.  One person’s sin can undo an entire congregation if it is left unchecked.  We must confront the sinner, speaking the truth in love, and then extend God’s grace to that sinner, giving the person every chance to repent.  It is only as a last resort that we cut the sinner off from the body.

Now the truth is, direct confrontation is uncomfortable!  Honest conversations are hard to have.  Dealing with sin is painful and we often struggle with our own anger and resentment and pride as we confront the sinner.  And all of this gets so much more complicated when we come with an invitation to grace and repentance and forgiveness as we deal with the sin – often an invitation that is only possible because of our faith in Jesus Christ – hoping to regain the person and not lose him or her. 

This truth hit me when I was sitting in prison next to a woman serving a life sentence for murdering a family member.  As she described what she had done I could feel the anger rising in my gut – what she had done was truly outrageous.  But it was not my job as a Christian to judge her; the legal system had found her guilty and put her in prison.  It was my job as a Christian to confront her with her sin and the good news of Jesus Christ – to share the incredible love of God – to invite her to repent and turn away from her sin, and to turn toward Jesus.  It was my job to extend Christ’s forgiveness to her as she embraced God’s love and repented.  She will still serve a life sentence behind bars, but by the incredible grace of God she was set free.  “And whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”  That day, through difficult conversations, reading scripture, and praying together, that woman began a journey toward Christ and the church regained one sister.  Today, she still serves in the prison by leading Bible studies for other women.  Through her witness the body of Christ is stronger.

Most of us aren’t confronting murder.  We are more likely to confront theft or adultery or dishonesty or excessive pride.  And we are even more likely to struggle with genuine differences in our politics, our opinions, or our understanding of doctrine and scripture.  These differences lead to conflict when we allow our pride or stubbornness or self-righteousness to take over.  It takes all of us, with all of our genuine differences, to make up the body of Christ.  It takes all of us sinners who have fallen short of the glory of God to make up the body of Christ.  It takes all of us practicing humility, speaking the truth in love, and extending God’s love and grace to build up the body of Christ.  Conflict is inevitable.  But healthy, prayerful, Christ-centered conflict points to the cross and reminds us that in Christ we have already been reconciled to God; by His grace we can be reconciled to one another.  Healthy, prayerful, Christ-centered conflict can make the body of Christ stronger.  Thanks be to God!